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zavodilaterrariumI'm reminded far more than I'd like that people are... weird. Not in a 'cringe' way, but that people really don't understand what it's like to be 18 years old, to be a teen or a child, even though everyone has to experience childhood.
I attended a fairly populated highschool. The oldest students were on the cusp of 19, probably. None of them were adults. None of them were prepared for life outside of mandatory education. I could not point to even a single student and say they were "mature beyond their age" in a way that wasn't just misinterpreted trauma (no, trauma doesn't make you super mature, trauma physically stunts your development). And that's okay. That's normal. We weren't adults, we shouldn't've had to be. Highschool is not where you learn to be an adult. Highschool is not when you're old enough to be an adult. Suddenly ageing out of being a legal minor is meaningless. Just like I didn't become an adult because I passed the quinceañera period.
I started 12th grade at 16 years old, which is a disconcerting thing. I wasn't ready, not at all, for a lot of reasons. Mostly mental health reasons. Covid ruined every carefully-crafted, fragile ecosystem I had, and there was no way to recover.
Y'know, it's a strange, unnerving feeling, to feel mature, yet also feel far, far too young to be where you are. For as long as I can remember, I've been possessed by this sort of inflated sense of ego and maturity (when I wasn't spiralling about how stupid I can be). I thought that I was amazing and talented because I knew more, and I was consuming advanced media. To be fair, I wasn't totally wrong. In some ways, I have historically been more mature than my peers, those peers that were in my grade but up to 2 years older.
Despite this, there's never been a moment when I've felt... ready. For all that I still struggle to not condescend people I think I know more than, for all that I think I understand about the world and its inner workings, I still feel like there's something I'm missing. I don't feel like an adult. I'm not there yet.
I'll stop beating around the bush; I'm a couple months off turning 19. I don't feel 18, let alone 17, let alone 16. I certainly can feel 5 years of change from when I was 13, but that's relative. That's not concrete. I'm stuck back at 13, living a groundhog year, both changing and stagnant. I'm so much of the person I was at 13, and so little. All the same building blocks, but someone rearranged the instructions.
Most of the friends I talk to regularly are 20-21 years old. I'm not where they are yet. Even so, they're not really adults either. They're completely incomparable to 25 year olds, forget 30+. The disgust I feel when 18-20 year olds are treated like they're ready for anything is immeasurable. Sure, there are 20yos who have a fully-developed brain and are emotionally mature, but I'd wager that those are the extreme minority. And even in that scenario that, that doesn't make it not weird for a grown-ass adult to pursue someone just on the cusp of adulthood. Like, holy fuck, leave us alone. At the very least, if you're gonna shoot for a younger person, that younger person should have a lot of life experience. Targeting someone who's both young and inexperienced is frankly disturbing behaviour. Maturation may be an exponential process, but 18-20 is definitely not where it levels out.
When I was 16, I made what might have been my first proper friend who was in a year below me, Conejito. At the time, they were 14, and they introduced me to their also-14 friends and acquaintances. It was during that initial year when I solidified my thoughts; I could talk to them, laugh with them, have personal conversations with them, but we weren't the same. I couldn't see what was possibly attractive about someone that much younger than me at that point in our development. (If you're seeing this, Conejito, no offence and also full offence.)
Not indicative of anything, but something that amuses me: One of my closest friends (A-Ying) thought I was older than them for way too long, even though they've got 6 months on me. Another friend also thought I was older, for unknown reasons. A friend-acquaintance guessed that I was 1-3 years younger than my real age, though. I wish I could get a bigger sample of genuine approximations, since I think it would be really funny if there was a correlation between how much someone knows me, and how old they believe I must be.
Interestingly, something that is probably related to my supposed maturity is that people tend to tell me that I'm a great listener, or something. More times than I'd have expected, friends or acquaintances have made me privy to things that they'd reportedly not told anyone else, because they felt like I'd be reasonable or keep a secret well. To be honest? I'm not that good with secrets. I forget about them easily, but every time I recall them, I am DESPERATE to blab. Sorry, but I've definitely told my mother too much about what's been going on. And also strangers on the internet. Only if it's relevant or something insane though (people on my access list can see what I mean). It's not like I tell people who I think will spread it to the wrong people, but evidently I was already not the best choice so... Not to say I'm a bad conversation partner! I'm more than willing to dig into a situation, to listen to rants, to scrounge up every modicum of knowledge I have to help. If I like you, I'll stay up late at night to work through whatever's bothering you.
Yikes, I've been writing this for 80 minutes. I need to go eat and drink. I could write more, but alas, my brain's out of juice for now.
I attended a fairly populated highschool. The oldest students were on the cusp of 19, probably. None of them were adults. None of them were prepared for life outside of mandatory education. I could not point to even a single student and say they were "mature beyond their age" in a way that wasn't just misinterpreted trauma (no, trauma doesn't make you super mature, trauma physically stunts your development). And that's okay. That's normal. We weren't adults, we shouldn't've had to be. Highschool is not where you learn to be an adult. Highschool is not when you're old enough to be an adult. Suddenly ageing out of being a legal minor is meaningless. Just like I didn't become an adult because I passed the quinceañera period.
I started 12th grade at 16 years old, which is a disconcerting thing. I wasn't ready, not at all, for a lot of reasons. Mostly mental health reasons. Covid ruined every carefully-crafted, fragile ecosystem I had, and there was no way to recover.
Y'know, it's a strange, unnerving feeling, to feel mature, yet also feel far, far too young to be where you are. For as long as I can remember, I've been possessed by this sort of inflated sense of ego and maturity (when I wasn't spiralling about how stupid I can be). I thought that I was amazing and talented because I knew more, and I was consuming advanced media. To be fair, I wasn't totally wrong. In some ways, I have historically been more mature than my peers, those peers that were in my grade but up to 2 years older.
Despite this, there's never been a moment when I've felt... ready. For all that I still struggle to not condescend people I think I know more than, for all that I think I understand about the world and its inner workings, I still feel like there's something I'm missing. I don't feel like an adult. I'm not there yet.
I'll stop beating around the bush; I'm a couple months off turning 19. I don't feel 18, let alone 17, let alone 16. I certainly can feel 5 years of change from when I was 13, but that's relative. That's not concrete. I'm stuck back at 13, living a groundhog year, both changing and stagnant. I'm so much of the person I was at 13, and so little. All the same building blocks, but someone rearranged the instructions.
Most of the friends I talk to regularly are 20-21 years old. I'm not where they are yet. Even so, they're not really adults either. They're completely incomparable to 25 year olds, forget 30+. The disgust I feel when 18-20 year olds are treated like they're ready for anything is immeasurable. Sure, there are 20yos who have a fully-developed brain and are emotionally mature, but I'd wager that those are the extreme minority. And even in that scenario that, that doesn't make it not weird for a grown-ass adult to pursue someone just on the cusp of adulthood. Like, holy fuck, leave us alone. At the very least, if you're gonna shoot for a younger person, that younger person should have a lot of life experience. Targeting someone who's both young and inexperienced is frankly disturbing behaviour. Maturation may be an exponential process, but 18-20 is definitely not where it levels out.
When I was 16, I made what might have been my first proper friend who was in a year below me, Conejito. At the time, they were 14, and they introduced me to their also-14 friends and acquaintances. It was during that initial year when I solidified my thoughts; I could talk to them, laugh with them, have personal conversations with them, but we weren't the same. I couldn't see what was possibly attractive about someone that much younger than me at that point in our development. (If you're seeing this, Conejito, no offence and also full offence.)
Not indicative of anything, but something that amuses me: One of my closest friends (A-Ying) thought I was older than them for way too long, even though they've got 6 months on me. Another friend also thought I was older, for unknown reasons. A friend-acquaintance guessed that I was 1-3 years younger than my real age, though. I wish I could get a bigger sample of genuine approximations, since I think it would be really funny if there was a correlation between how much someone knows me, and how old they believe I must be.
Interestingly, something that is probably related to my supposed maturity is that people tend to tell me that I'm a great listener, or something. More times than I'd have expected, friends or acquaintances have made me privy to things that they'd reportedly not told anyone else, because they felt like I'd be reasonable or keep a secret well. To be honest? I'm not that good with secrets. I forget about them easily, but every time I recall them, I am DESPERATE to blab. Sorry, but I've definitely told my mother too much about what's been going on. And also strangers on the internet. Only if it's relevant or something insane though (people on my access list can see what I mean). It's not like I tell people who I think will spread it to the wrong people, but evidently I was already not the best choice so... Not to say I'm a bad conversation partner! I'm more than willing to dig into a situation, to listen to rants, to scrounge up every modicum of knowledge I have to help. If I like you, I'll stay up late at night to work through whatever's bothering you.
Yikes, I've been writing this for 80 minutes. I need to go eat and drink. I could write more, but alas, my brain's out of juice for now.
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