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zavodilaterrariumNot to talk about this too much, but I just had a dream that reminded me of it.
I mentioned near the start of this post that my best friend for most of primary school was my first ""lesbian"" experience: I said I'd marry her, and we kissed, but from my memory, the former stemmed from a misunderstanding of marriage, and the latter was just a check of kissing in general.
Now, my dreams have a different interpretation of events. I don't dream or even think of that girl much (we've not been friends for almost a decade), but when I do dream of her, there seems to be this implication that I had/have a crush on her. Sometimes, this is just straight up "yeah I like her, I want to kiss her", and sometimes it's more so a conflation of her and my current crush. It also seems to be mutual, which is more than I can say for the dreams about my crush — there's something about assuming/making up people's feelings that my brain doesn't usually like doing, except with this one ex-friend, I guess.
I have a few ideas about this, which might manage to all be wrong.
The first is simple: I did actually crush on this girl at one point, and I'm a big stupid dumb idiot for not realising, or vice versa. I'm not inclined to believe this one, but who knows? Certainly not me. I don't have any specific reasons to not believe this, beyond just not remembering this being the case. From an outsider's perspective, this one might even be the most reasonable.
The second is more believable, but weirder in my opinion: I never had a crush on her, but I think that my crush and she are similar, so my brain confuses them while I dream. Considering that our last substantial interactions were a decade ago, it's entirely possible for all sorts of memories of her to be distorted in the waking and/or sleeping realm... Maybe it's more a matter of proximity...? My crush was my best friend for a while, but for many years, our relationship has been much more 'distant' — not emotionally, but more so that our friend groups don't really overlap, and we have never been the type to DM each other much (at least in my perspective, apparently they think we DM a quite a bit). So, on a literal level, my relationships with both of them aren't particularly similar, but dreams are where little details become big things...
The third, and the one I immediately thought of, is like a different pathway from the second: I never had a crush on her, but because of several things surrounding our relationship, my brain thought it would be a good option to use her to work through or regulate my feelings. Of course, some of those 'things' would be what I mentioned before, our 'romantic' interactions and supposed similarities in personality/relationship. But I also believe that our lack of a current relationship could be a factor — it's much less risky to fantasise about people who are no longer or could never be in your life, because while no progress can be made with them, it's really hard to fuck up a relationship that doesn't exist. Dreams about my crush don't tend to go past interpreting things that did/could happen differently — any dream where they like me back, it's all just kind of an implication that dream-me seems pretty confident on, but nothing concrete actually happens. I guess that the fear of pushing too far + fear of making them uncomfortable means that there will always be a barrier between us in dreams. But someone I haven't talked to in forever? Free game! Let's go kiss girls!
Funny thing, I woke up to a message from Pan telling me that my crush is single lmaoooo
I'd honestly assumed they would have told me myself if they weren't, but who knows, Lesti forgot to tell me she was dating someone for a whole month (unfortunate how that ended, though...) aha
I mentioned near the start of this post that my best friend for most of primary school was my first ""lesbian"" experience: I said I'd marry her, and we kissed, but from my memory, the former stemmed from a misunderstanding of marriage, and the latter was just a check of kissing in general.
Now, my dreams have a different interpretation of events. I don't dream or even think of that girl much (we've not been friends for almost a decade), but when I do dream of her, there seems to be this implication that I had/have a crush on her. Sometimes, this is just straight up "yeah I like her, I want to kiss her", and sometimes it's more so a conflation of her and my current crush. It also seems to be mutual, which is more than I can say for the dreams about my crush — there's something about assuming/making up people's feelings that my brain doesn't usually like doing, except with this one ex-friend, I guess.
I have a few ideas about this, which might manage to all be wrong.
The first is simple: I did actually crush on this girl at one point, and I'm a big stupid dumb idiot for not realising, or vice versa. I'm not inclined to believe this one, but who knows? Certainly not me. I don't have any specific reasons to not believe this, beyond just not remembering this being the case. From an outsider's perspective, this one might even be the most reasonable.
The second is more believable, but weirder in my opinion: I never had a crush on her, but I think that my crush and she are similar, so my brain confuses them while I dream. Considering that our last substantial interactions were a decade ago, it's entirely possible for all sorts of memories of her to be distorted in the waking and/or sleeping realm... Maybe it's more a matter of proximity...? My crush was my best friend for a while, but for many years, our relationship has been much more 'distant' — not emotionally, but more so that our friend groups don't really overlap, and we have never been the type to DM each other much (at least in my perspective, apparently they think we DM a quite a bit). So, on a literal level, my relationships with both of them aren't particularly similar, but dreams are where little details become big things...
The third, and the one I immediately thought of, is like a different pathway from the second: I never had a crush on her, but because of several things surrounding our relationship, my brain thought it would be a good option to use her to work through or regulate my feelings. Of course, some of those 'things' would be what I mentioned before, our 'romantic' interactions and supposed similarities in personality/relationship. But I also believe that our lack of a current relationship could be a factor — it's much less risky to fantasise about people who are no longer or could never be in your life, because while no progress can be made with them, it's really hard to fuck up a relationship that doesn't exist. Dreams about my crush don't tend to go past interpreting things that did/could happen differently — any dream where they like me back, it's all just kind of an implication that dream-me seems pretty confident on, but nothing concrete actually happens. I guess that the fear of pushing too far + fear of making them uncomfortable means that there will always be a barrier between us in dreams. But someone I haven't talked to in forever? Free game! Let's go kiss girls!
Funny thing, I woke up to a message from Pan telling me that my crush is single lmaoooo
I'd honestly assumed they would have told me myself if they weren't, but who knows, Lesti forgot to tell me she was dating someone for a whole month (unfortunate how that ended, though...) aha
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