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zavodilaterrariumIt’s really very frustrating. I’ve definitely failed at least one unit this semester, I might even fail all 3. I really hate the idea of redoing work, dedicating more time to something I KNOW I could have done the first time. It’s an overwhelming feeling of shame at wasting time, wasting effort, wasting money… dread at the idea of retrying something that already didn’t feel good. But that’s if I even continue uni.
It’s not like I don’t want to study ever — I hate hand-in assignments, but I love learning and I love practicals, exams are a mixed bag — I’m just… not prepared. All I am is a collection of problems right now; depression, ADHD, allergies, migraines, anxiety and stress, whatever else… they’re all fighting for who can fuck me over more, in this endless cycle where each thing enables at least 3 others. I don’t want to talk to a doctor but I desperately need the medication, because my brain’s been ruining my life since I was 8-9.
I didn’t even want to start uni this year, but my mother was insistent I “try it out first”, full-time at that. At this rate, I’m going to have to take a gap year anyway, which pisses me off — it makes me feel like I’m going to just forget everything before I get back.
Assignments just stress me out so bad. I can’t bring myself to start them, and my body makes up a new pain or new wave of fatigue every time I try (I could fall asleep just by lying down and closing my eyes a lot of the time). That, or the content bores/annoys me to the point where I don’t even wanna think about it. And it’s so hard to get myself to just do the work. I’m ALMOST in the mindset to do it, but now I’m all snotty and teary-eyed and so, so, tired.
If I never had to do another marked assignment again, it couldn’t be soon enough. Unless I get medicated: I KNOW I can do this work, I know somewhere in me, this work’s been done since the week it was assigned so that I could go without stress back to rethreading beaded jewellery and practicing drawing with my non-dominant hand.
It’s not like I don’t want to study ever — I hate hand-in assignments, but I love learning and I love practicals, exams are a mixed bag — I’m just… not prepared. All I am is a collection of problems right now; depression, ADHD, allergies, migraines, anxiety and stress, whatever else… they’re all fighting for who can fuck me over more, in this endless cycle where each thing enables at least 3 others. I don’t want to talk to a doctor but I desperately need the medication, because my brain’s been ruining my life since I was 8-9.
I didn’t even want to start uni this year, but my mother was insistent I “try it out first”, full-time at that. At this rate, I’m going to have to take a gap year anyway, which pisses me off — it makes me feel like I’m going to just forget everything before I get back.
Assignments just stress me out so bad. I can’t bring myself to start them, and my body makes up a new pain or new wave of fatigue every time I try (I could fall asleep just by lying down and closing my eyes a lot of the time). That, or the content bores/annoys me to the point where I don’t even wanna think about it. And it’s so hard to get myself to just do the work. I’m ALMOST in the mindset to do it, but now I’m all snotty and teary-eyed and so, so, tired.
If I never had to do another marked assignment again, it couldn’t be soon enough. Unless I get medicated: I KNOW I can do this work, I know somewhere in me, this work’s been done since the week it was assigned so that I could go without stress back to rethreading beaded jewellery and practicing drawing with my non-dominant hand.
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